


"you and your triple-digit IQ"

by diana_hawthorne (stsgirlie)



Series: Private Lives [1]
Category: Exiled (A Law & Order Movie), Law & Order, Law & Order: Criminal Intent
Genre: Community: fanfic100, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-30
Updated: 2016-03-15
Packaged: 2018-05-17 07:01:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 20
Words: 10,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5858905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stsgirlie/pseuds/diana_hawthorne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of 100-word drabbles featuring Mike Logan and Liz Olivet--a background to my work <i>Private Lives</i>.</p><p>Spans 1990-2008</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Beginnings; Middles; Ends; Insides; Outsides

_001\. Beginnings_  
It’s her first day at the precinct and she wrinkles her nose as she steps into the squad room. It’s certainly a boy’s club here--detectives in suits sprawling at beat-up metal desks, sipping coffee from styrofoam cups, all of them eyeing her with frank curiosity. One dark-haired detective in particular takes his time, running his eyes up her legs. She flushes with annoyance and glares. He gives her a slow, devastating grin, and she looks away.

‘Dr. Olivet?’ a bald man wearing suspenders strolls out of an office. ‘I’m Don Cragen. You ready to start your career with the police?’

 

 _002\. Middles_  
He takes up so much space when he sleeps, sprawling restlessly in the middle of her bed. He is so filled with energy and vitality in his waking life that surely it is not surprising it spills over at night. She has always been a light sleeper but sleeping with him was different, better. She casts herself into his arms and sleeps soundly for hours, his big hands resting warmly on her back, her cheek pressed against his chest so she can feel the steady beating of his heart. That steady rhythm is what soothes her, underscoring all her dreams.

 

 _003\. Endings_  
She doesn’t think he would react like… that. So coolly, coldly, nodding as if she meant nothing to him at all. He collects his things and leaves her apartment, leaves her, like he doesn’t care. He doesn’t even say he’s sorry…

She knows him so well but she doesn’t know how he could do that.

She lies paralyzed on the sofa, staring blankly at the television as endless reruns of _thirtysomething_ play in the background. When the news comes on, he’s there, he’s punching a corrupt politician and she realizes that yes, maybe he did care.

But it’s too late.

 

 _004\. Insides_  
This is what she does, this is what she studied--delving around in people’s minds to help them, to heal them. Sometimes their minds are organized, compartmentalized, laminated, and others are messy, their problems obscured by clutter and stress and emotions. His is full of defences; he fights her off every time she gets close to touching on a source of pain. She feels like a neurosurgeon operating, careful to extract only the damaged tissue--but those patients aren’t awake and fighting her every moment. But he can’t fight forever, and he lashes out, breaks down, and finally, finally she breaks through.

 

 _005\. Outsides_  
He wraps his arms around her as she stands in the bathroom, pressing his cheek against hers. She looks at them in the mirror and she catches his eyes as he grins. God, he is handsome--dark hair, hazel eyes, strong features, and a grin that makes her weak at the knees. Her gaze shifts and she looks at herself--they are a study in contrasts; she is slim where he is muscular, her eyes grey and steady without his ever-present fire. His hand ghosts a caress on her waist and she shivers, watching as his eyes grow dark and he grins.


	2. Hours; Days; Weeks; Months; Years

_006\. Hours_  
Her life is measured by appointments; three in the morning, an hour for lunch, four in the afternoon--hour-long sessions that measure her life and the lives of others, time marching on regularly and consistently. But from the first moment he steps into her office--that same detective that undressed her with his eyes on her first day in the precinct--the hours pass by in seconds and she wants more than an hour at a time with him for reasons she refuses to articulate to herself. An hour at a time isn’t enough; it never could be. She can’t bear it.

 

 _007\. Days_  
She meets him face-to-face ten days after… after their glorious mistake, running straight into him in the rabbit-warren corridors of Hogan Place. He grasps her elbows to keep her from falling and she feels a sudden surge of desire shoot through her.

‘Better be careful. You could hurt yourself.’

She shrugs off his hands. 

‘Listen, Liz, it’s been days. Are you just gonna ignore me?’

‘I don’t know what you want me to say.’

‘C’mon, it was good--we were good. Doesn’t have to be just one night.’

‘I don’t think it could survive the day,’ she says, then walks away.

 

 _008\. Weeks_  
‘You’re about ten weeks along,’ her doctor says, studying the ultrasound machine. ‘Congratulations.’

‘Ten weeks--you’re sure?’ she asks urgently.

‘Yes.’

Ten weeks ago her husband was out of town, halfway through a monthlong trip, and he was back in her bed for a night, his mouth trailing down her body and setting her on fire.

‘I want you,’ he’d growled, and she’d acquiesced, still powerless to resist him after all this time.

‘Everything looks good--you and the baby are both healthy, Elizabeth.’

‘Thank you,’ she murmurs faintly, trying to come to grips with this secret, that night, and its consequences.

 

 _009\. Months_  
Her heart nearly stops when she sees him on Fifth Avenue; she can’t run away, can’t move, as he approaches her.

‘This is a surprise,’ he says frankly, gaze fixed on her swollen belly. ‘Didn’t know you were expectin’. How far along are you?’

‘Six months,’ she admits, watching as he freezes in shock.

‘Six--’ he breathes, looking up into her eyes. In an instant he steps close to her, reaching out to lay a hand on her stomach. She gasps in surprise, gripping his wrist as he feels the baby kick.

‘Liz--’

‘I have to go.’

‘But--’

‘Goodbye, Mike.’

 

 _010\. Years_  
It’s been close to a decade since he’s been in her apartment but it feels like yesterday.

‘If you’re looking for the silver lining--you called me. Ten years ago you never would’ve done that--’ --because ten years ago he’d been on Staten Island for a year and they hadn’t spoken after he’d left, she finishes silently. He wouldn’t have called her for anything and she wouldn’t have answered. The fact that he’s here now means he truly needs her.

They look at each other for a long moment, gazing at each other across a years-wide gap. What can she say?


	3. Red; Orange; Yellow; Green; Blue

_011\. Red_  
She’s drinking a nice Bordeaux when he proposes to her and nearly tips it over in surprise.

‘You know I love you--I’m in love with you,’ he says, sliding the red Cartier box across the table to her. She opens it with trembling fingers and looks at the beautiful square-cut diamond.

Isn’t this what she wanted? A husband and a family, a steady life with a man who loves her? But when she meets his calm blue gaze she sees instead the flashing hazel eyes of the man she loved so well.

She looks into her wine and says yes.

 

 _012\. Orange_  
‘I want an orange balloon!’ her daughter insists stubbornly, so much like her father she can’t believe her husband has never seen it.

He laughs and asks the man for an orange balloon instead. ‘She’s a proper little madam, isn’t she,’ he says, smiling at her. Her daughter takes the balloon eagerly and she kneels to tie it around her wrist, ducking her head so he can’t see her consternation, looking into her daughter’s grey eyes, seeing the joy there. She stands up and steps back to take her husband’s hand, looking at Caroline. Her daughter grins at her balloon.

 

 _013\. Yellow_  
She refuses to find out whether she’s having a boy or a girl, so her husband paints the baby’s room pale daffodil yellow, soothing and cheerful. She sits in the living room and knits baby blankets in the same shade, the careful work essential to keeping her mind off the Jenny Brandt case, that poor damaged little girl. She pauses in her work, resting a hand on her belly to pray that her baby--her child and his, even if she can’t, won’t tell him--has a better life, a happier one. How can she ever tell him, even if he’s guessed?

 

 _014\. Green_  
She’s terrified, frankly--not only of the man through the glass, calmly admitting he murdered four people to a detective taking down his words, but terrified also of the detectives in the squad room, watching her, judging her every move. It’s her first case and she takes a deep breath, trying to calm herself and focus. She can’t make a mistake, can’t mess up. The dark-haired detective she saw earlier comes up to stand next to her. She turns and looks at him, raising an eyebrow. ‘Can I help you, Detective?’

‘Good luck,’ he says kindly. ‘I’m sure it’ll be okay.’

 

 _015\. Blue_  
Apparently the DA doesn’t have an equivalent to the blue wall, or if it does, it never, or no longer, applied to her. How dare Jack tell his ADA to dredge up her past relationship with Mike on the stand? How dare he! She was there for him after Claire’s death, defended him to Adam Schiff, helped him with his grief--for what? They were never friends, but what they had--their relationship, however volatile, went deep. She always thought he was loyal… but true blue he was not.

She confronts him after she’s dismissed. ‘This isn’t your finest moment.’

‘Nor yours.’


	4. Purple; Brown; Black; White; Colorless

_016\. Purple_  
He cries when he catches glimpses of the bruises on her thighs--deep purple fingerprint marks that haven’t faded even a week after. She’s never seen him cry before, not even for Max, and it unnerves her.

‘Jesus, Lizzie,’ he whispers bleakly. ‘What did he do to you?’

She looks away as he stands up from her bed, walking over to take her in his arms. She stands woodenly in his embrace.

‘I’m tired,’ she says.

‘D’you--d’you want me to stay?’ he asks tentatively.

She steps out of his embrace and looks at him blankly, shrugging as she crawls into bed.

 

 _017\. Brown_  
When her daughter is seven they get a dog, a brown-and-white cocker spaniel she names Marjorie.

‘Marjorie?’ she laughs at the ridiculous and old-fashioned name she chose.

Her slow grin is just like his and every time she smiles her heart flips over.

‘I like it. It’s a pretty name and she is a pretty dog,’ she states, sprawling on the floor with the puppy, tickling her belly. ‘Also, Grandmother suggested it.’

She rolls her eyes in amused exasperation. ‘Of course she did.’

‘Don’t you like the name, Mommy?’

‘Of course, sweetie.’

She turns back to the puppy and giggles.

 

 _018\. Black_  
‘Your phone call woke our daughter up; she’ll be there in a minute,’ he snaps, annoyed, when he opens the door. ‘Follow me.’

He walks down the hallway and he follows her husband, pausing for a moment at the half-open door. He can hear her voice singing softly and he moves silently to the door, peering inside the dark room. Her back is to him but he watches as she strokes her daughter’s hair. It is so quiet and peaceful that he feels the black weight on his heart lift slightly for the first time since he mistakenly shot that cop.

 

 _019\. White_  
It is not a big white wedding--she’s never wanted one--but her childhood church is decked in out in flowers and her husband-to-be is waiting for her at the altar. She walks down the long aisle and it seems endless. She clutches at her bouquet with white-knuckled hands, trying to silence the voice in her head screaming that this is not right, he is not the right man, she is supposed to be with Mike.

She stumbles slightly on the uneven brick floor, catching herself before she falls. If she could only do that now, but it’s late, it’s too late.

 

 _020\. Colorless_  
She half-stumbles out of Merritt’s office, clutching her purse and tape recorder like a lifeline. The world seems bleached, removed, far away, and she hails a cab to take her to the hospital.

‘I’ve been raped,’ she says, and there is a sudden rush of movement. She’s disrobed, examined, interrogated.

‘I need to make a phone call,’ she says, her voice shaking at last, and she is handed a phone.

‘Mike, I’m at the hospital. Lenox Hill. Please come. Please come now.’

She drops the phone with nerveless, numb fingers, then turns her empty gaze to the wall.

_Oh God._


	5. Friends; Enemies; Lovers; Family; Strangers

_021\. Friends_  
The first time she laughs at one of his jokes she stops herself abruptly and looks at him, looks at herself, looks at what’s between them.

Their relationship began with a mandated therapy session, continued when they worked together, and now here they are. God, she doesn’t even know if she likes him.

And the fact that she laughs--well, It’s not much, it’s a funny joke, and Phil laughs too--but for the first time she is relaxed enough to…

She flushes when she catches his eye, and he grins, and for a moment the comradery between them overrides everything else.

 

 _022\. Enemies_  
They’ve never gotten along, not even when they knew each other all those years ago. He knows that he resents his presence but he really doesn’t give a shit. He needs her right now, needs her help after shooting that cop, and if he has to sit in silence in her study with him watching until she gets here then he’s gonna suffer through it.

Her husband knows their history, but he doesn’t know if he knows about that one night eight years ago… their last shot. He doubts it.

He doesn’t know if Ben knows Liz’s daughter isn’t his.

 

 _023\. Lovers_  
When was the last time she was with him? Three years ago? An entire lifetime has passed but here he is outside her apartment door.

‘It’s all gone to hell, Lizzie. I need you.’

She pushes past him into her apartment.

‘I can’t help you the way you want, need. I’m married now.’

‘I know. So where’s Ben?’

‘Away.’

‘When’s he coming back?’

‘Two weeks.’

‘Lizzie--’

She looks at him at last. He closes the door, steps closer, rests his hand on her cheek. She closes her eyes and takes a deep shuddering breath.

‘I’m still in love with you.’

 

 _024\. Family_  
When her husband goes away on business trips her daughter sleeps with her in her bed, snuggled close as they read books and have cookies and hot cocoa. She sleeps cradled in her arms and she feels the beat of her heart, as steady as her father’s.

She also has his smile and the quirk of his eyebrows and his stubborn temper and the flash of fire in her grey eyes. Her daughter has her features and her coloring and she is so essentially a small version of herself that her husband has never noticed these other traits, not ever.

 

 _025\. Strangers_  
She and her mother always went to Melon’s for burgers after her first day of school every semester. After her daughter's first day of kindergarten, they sit in the front corner and her daughter sips a Coca-Cola when he walks in the door.

For a moment she forgets everything and smiles at him until her daughter asks, ‘who’s that, Mommy?’

He approaches them shyly, leaning on the railing.

‘Hi, Liz.’ He looks at their daughter. ‘Hi, there. I’m Mike.’

‘Hello,’ she says sweetly. ‘I’m Caroline. D’you want to sit with us?’

They grin at each other and he sits down.


	6. Teammates; Parents; Children; Birth; Death

_026\. Teammates_  
Psychology has always seemed to be such a singular profession for her, involving the psychologist and the patient, no more and no less. An early case at the precinct proves her wrong when they take her to lunch to discuss her findings.

‘We could try walking through that day,’ she suggests, ‘see if any memories come back.’

‘Good idea, Doc,’ he replies, glancing at Phil. ‘How about tomorrow?’

‘Oh, I meant--’ she begins, then stops. It is their investigation after all. ‘Yes, all right, tomorrow.’

‘Great. How about we meet you at the precinct at two, then start from there?’

 

 _027\. Parents_  
‘Look how beautiful she is,’ her mother coos, cradling the baby in her arms. ‘She’s perfect.’

She raises an eyebrow as she looks at her mother, doting over Mike’s daughter in a way she never did with her child.

‘What a precious little girl,’ her father murmurs in agreement.

Relinquished of her daughter for a moment, she closes her eyes, leaning back against the sofa. Her husband squeezes her shoulder; she looks up at him and smiles wearily.

‘Are you all right, Elizabeth?’ her mother asks.

‘I’m sure she’s just tired,’ Ben says.

‘Yes,’ she agrees. ‘Just a bit tired.’

 

 _028\. Children_  
Caroline runs through the splash pad shrieking, Ben’s grandson toddling after her on still-unsteady legs. She watches as they jump in the puddles, screaming their delight as the cold water hits their overheated skin. They look so different from each other--her daughter slim and brunette, his grandson sturdy and blond like her husband. Her daughter runs over to her, flinging her wet arms around her neck, filled with the irrepressible energy that is her father’s hallmark.

‘Mommy, I want ice cream!’

‘You haven’t had lunch yet.’

Her daughter quirks an eyebrow. ‘Ice cream could be lunch.’

She can’t resist her anything.

 

 _029\. Birth_  
It’s late when he walks down the empty corridor to her room. She is asleep, her hand resting on the baby’s stomach as she sleeps in her crib. He stands in the doorway and watches until she stirs, opening her eyes.

‘Visiting hours are over,’ she says, voice unsteady.

‘Perks of being a cop.’ He steps closer, standing at the end of her bed. ‘You okay?’

‘Exhausted.’ A pause. ‘Exhilarated.’

He bends over the crib. ‘She’s beautiful.’

‘Yes. D’you want to hold her?’

He bends down and cradles her in his large hands, smiling at her.

‘What’s her name?’

‘Caroline.’

 

 _030\. Death_  
‘You’ll be counseling Detective Mike Logan,’ Cragen says. ‘As you’ve no doubt heard, his partner, Max Greevey, was murdered four days ago. Departmental procedure requires us to send him to counseling until he comes to a sense of closure.’ He pauses and sighs. ‘Besides, I think that he needs some help dealing with this event.’

‘Most people do. It was a traumatic event, and it certainly would highlight the dangerous nature of his job.’

‘Yeah. So, should I have him call you for an appointment?’

‘Yes,’ she says, rising from her seat. ‘I’ll fit him in this week.’

‘Thanks, Doc.’


	7. Sunrise; Sunset; Too Much; Not Enough; Sixth Sense

_031\. Sunrise_  
She sits curled up on her sofa, twisting her wedding and engagement rings. The sun is just starting to rise, weak rays of sunshine filtering through the buildings on Park Avenue, finally ending the long night.

He’s still sleeping in her bed as though he’d never left her those years ago. He was exhausted, emotional, desperate for her and she couldn’t help but respond in an attempt to soothe his anguish. She still responded to him with the same fire she thought long extinguished by the intervening years and the pain he’d caused.

‘Lizzie?’

She turns and looks at him.

 

 _032\. Sunset_  
Her new husband-- _husband_ , she thinks in astonishment--is in their room unpacking as she leans against the railing of their balcony, staring at the sunset.

‘Red sky at night, sailor’s delight,’ he quips, coming up behind her to wrap his arms around his waist. ‘I’m glad we’ll have good weather tomorrow.’

She is, too--good weather means activities, less time to think about what could have been--another man, another life… she turns to face him.

‘I’m glad, too. It will be nice to explore.’

‘As long as I’m with you I’m happy.’

Her heart clenches and she forces a smile, kissing him.

 

 _033\. Too Much & 034\. Not Enough_  
‘I just couldn’t take it, what it was doin’ to you--tearin’ you up, breakin’ your heart… it hurt to look at you, Lizzie. It hurt to watch you and know that I didn’t do enough to help you, to know that I couldn’t help you now. It was too much…’

‘So you sought out someone else?’ she snaps. ‘It’s so nice to know you care, Mike.’

‘Of course I care! How can you doubt that? What happened was a mistake. I needed to talk and we were drinkin’ and one thing led to another… I never meant to hurt you. I never meant for this to happen.’

‘You can’t think this is enough.’

‘I dunno what else to do.’

She runs a hand over her eyes. ‘I want you to go.’

‘We need to talk about this, work it out.’

‘There’s nothing to discuss. It’s over.’

‘You can’t mean that,’ he scoffs.

She looks up at him, fighting back tears. ‘I mean it.’

He looks at her, jaw set and shoulders tense. ‘Fine. I’ll get my things.’

She watches in shock as he comes back from her bedroom with an armful of clothes.

‘Chuck the rest. Key’s on the dresser.’

 

 _035\. Sixth Sense_  
He knew it to a second when she stopped thinking of him as her patient, her colleague. The shift in their conversation, the way she leaned forward to talk to him, tilted her head and smiled… he knew she wanted him. Well, he wanted her too, desperately, had wanted her from that first moment he saw her in the precinct over a year ago, wrinkling her nose as she stood there looking around the squad room. But he’d forgotten her again until Max was shot and he showed up in her office, staring at her slender legs, listening to her.


	8. Smell; Sound; Touch; Taste; Sight

_036\. Smell_  
She doesn’t throw away his remaining things like he told her to. She finds a few folded t-shirts, a half-used bottle of cologne, his toothbrush, in the subsequent days. She takes to carrying one of the shirts to bed, holding it close and inhaling his fading scent from the worn cotton.

It is utterly ridiculous. She feels hollow, bereft, lost without his formidable presence, huddled up in the middle of her bed alone, without him.

He’d slept with someone else but he was hurting, she was hurting, and he didn’t know what to do… well, he shouldn’t have done that.

 

 _037\. Sound_  
She wakes in the night to hear him crying, sobs racking his body as he sleeps.

‘Mike,’ she whispers, putting out a hand to touch his shoulder. The sobs slowly abate as he wakes, then turns to her.

‘Bad dream?’

‘Yeah,’ he muttered, rubbing his hand across his eyes.

‘Do you want to talk about it?’

‘It was about Max. Same one I’ve been havin’.’ He closes his eyes. ‘I can still hear the gunshot.’

She reaches out for him, taking him into her arms. ‘What can I do?’

‘Just stay, please,’ he says, pressing his lips to her forehead.

 

 _038\. Touch_  
He calls her office and insists on her last appointment after they see each other on the street. When he arrives, she dismisses her receptionist for the day and brings him inside.

He paces nervously. She sits in her accustomed chair, one hand on her belly.

‘It’s mine, isn’t it? Does Ben know?’

‘Yes; no. He doesn’t know, can’t know.’

He meets her eyes. ‘So--that’s it? I’m not in the picture?’

‘How could you be?’ she asks sadly.

He kneels at her side, rests his hands on her stomach.

‘But I want to be.’

She rests her hand on his.

 

 _039\. Taste_  
She bites the inside of her cheek so hard she draws blood, the coppery tang filling her mouth like she’s bitten down hard on a coin. He’s touching her, drawing this out, his exclamations of lust so disgusting that she wants to vomit. She tries to focus on the blood in her mouth instead of his bruising grip on her thighs, his hands, his--

\--she can’t move, can barely breathe, doesn’t want to look at him but she has to, she has to watch so she can testify, so this nightmare has an end, so he can’t hurt anyone else--

 

 _040\. Sight_  
He’s long entertained the idea of pursuing her romantically, stopped only by the fact they are colleagues. When she admits, on the stand, that she called Mike Logan because she had a “personal relationship” with him, pieces fall into place--his anger at their initial refusal to prosecute, his presence throughout the trial, the way he watches her--they’re lucky Danielle Melnick doesn’t read into it, her only slip during the trial.

He sees them after in the hallway. She’s leaning against the wall, head drooping in sorrow as he stands in front of her, a comforting hand resting on her waist.


	9. Shapes; Triangle; Square; Circle; Moon

_041\. Shapes_  
Ben lies on the floor with her daughter, handing her colorful wooden blocks to press through the holes in her toy.

‘She’s so smart, Elizabeth,’ he says in awe. ‘Look at her! Surely she’s a genius, she’s only fifteen months and already recognizing shapes and colors!’

‘I know--I can’t believe how fast she’s growing up.’ She smiles at them indulgently.

‘How could we fail to have a genius for a daughter when her mother is so brilliant?’

‘Well, I think that she certainly has some of her father’s intelligence as well,’ she says, reaching out to hold her husband’s hand.

 

 _042\. Triangle_  
‘She’s still not feeling well but she’s finally asleep,’ she says, walking into the study, stopping abruptly when she sees the men.

‘Mike got here a few minutes ago. I let him in,’ her husband says coldly, glaring at him.

‘Thank you,’ she says, resting a hand on his shoulder.

‘I’m going to check on our daughter, then I’ll see you in bed,’ he says, standing up and kissing her possessively.

‘Thank you,’ she says again.

She looks at Mike, sprawled in an armchair, his eyes watching her. She doesn’t look away until she hears the door close behind Ben.

 

 _043\. Square_  
‘I’ve wanted to ask you for dinner for a long time,’ he admits, taking a sip of wine.

‘Why didn’t you ask before?’

‘We worked together. It wouldn’t have been proper. And… you were seeing someone else.’

She flushes, looking away. ‘We haven’t been together for some time now.’

‘Yes, I’d heard.’ He pauses and looks at her. ‘I figured now’s my chance.’

She looks back at him. ‘I’m flattered that you’ve waited so long to ask me on a date.’

‘I’m honored that you said yes. It means a lot to me, Elizabeth, that you’ll give me a chance.’

 

 _044\. Circle_  
‘It’s just like our first night together, isn’t it? All those years ago…’

‘Yes. We’ve come full circle. It was one night then, one night now. This was a mistake.’

‘No. No, it wasn’t a mistake. How can we leave this at just one night, Lizzie? I can’t live without you. Last night… it could be a new beginning. We could try again. We could start over.’

She twists her rings on her finger. ‘No, we can’t. I’m married now. I love Ben.’

‘But you’re in love with me… aren’t you?’

‘That doesn’t matter.’

‘Of course it does.’

‘It can’t.’

 

 _045\. Moon_  
‘I see the moon and the moon sees me,’ she sings softly, rocking her daughter to sleep. She still can’t believe she’s holding her own darling daughter. She’s two months old and she’s never felt like this before. Her child…! Her own, beloved daughter. Her daughter and Mike’s.

‘...and the moon sees the one that I can’t see,’ she continues, voice faltering as she thinks of him. God, when he saw her for the first time in the hospital… she didn’t think he’d come. She didn’t think he’d want anything to do with them. She misjudged him. He wanted them.


	10. Star; Heart; Diamond; Club; Spade

_046\. Star_  
‘They’re never as clear as this in the city,’ he murmurs, lying back on the deck of her father’s boat to look up at the night sky. 

‘No, they’re never as clear anywhere else,’ she says, moving closer to him, pulling his arm around her in an embrace. ‘Isn’t it beautiful?’

‘It’s certainly something.’

She props herself up on her elbow, looks down at him, runs a hand down his chest.

‘What is it?’ he asks softly.

She pauses, meeting his eyes. ‘Nothing,’ she says at last. ‘I’m just--I’m really glad you’re here.’

He pulls her down for a kiss.

 

 _047\. Heart_  
It astounds her that her heart, belonging so firmly to a man who no longer belonged to her, was fickle enough to love someone else, someone nothing like him. He was calm, quiet, gentle--truly a gentleman, deeply in love with her.

He’s a good writer--he’s an author now, well-respected, penning legal thrillers under a pseudonym, loudly praised for their accuracy--and travels a lot for book tours. When they are apart, he pens her eloquent and lengthy love letters.

_…could never do without you, my dearest; you have been a voice of reason, a bastion of peace in this horrid world…_

 

 _048\. Diamond_  
Her engagement ring is more tasteful and certainly larger than anything she’d hoped for in those brief months when she thought she might spend the rest of her life with Mike. It’s disproportionately heavy, weighing down her hand when she goes to reach for a piece of paper, something from the fridge. Catching sight of the diamond from the corner of her eye, it hardly feels real; it belongs to someone else. It belongs to a woman named Elizabeth, who is in private practice and teaches at Barnard, a woman happy to settle down with a man who adores her.

 

 _049\. Club_  
It’s hard to confide in someone drinking a club soda when you’re intent on getting stinking drunk, desperate to forget. The imbalance gives more weight to confessions.

‘So what’s eating you, Mikey?’ Lennie asks.

‘Who said something’s wrong?’ he snaps.

‘You don’t normally drink like this--drinking to forget,’ he comments. ‘Hey, I know what it looks like.’

He shrugs angrily, swigging back his whiskey.

‘Do you want to talk about it?’

‘What d’you want me to say? That I’m in love with her, that she shouldn’t do this? How could she do it? How could she say yes to him?’

 

 _050\. Spade_  
He sprawls on her sofa reading _The Maltese Falcon_ , the beer in his hand forgotten as he avidly turns the pages. She watches him surreptitiously over the pages of her own novel, noting his utter absorption. She suppresses a laugh as he jumps slightly at an apparent denouement, spilling some of his beer, but he hears her and tears his eyes away from the book to grin.

‘You look so absorbed,’ she says, amused.

‘Well, when I was a kid Sam Spade is the guy I wanted to be,’ he remarks. ‘Rough-and-tumble, smart, good at his job--everything I could be.’


	11. Water; Fire; Earth; Air; Spirit

_051\. Water_  
‘Try to swim to me, sweetie!’ she calls, treading water next to her father’s boat. Ben gives her daughter a slight push and she splashes her way through the water to her, propelling her small body into her waiting arms.

‘Oh, well done!’ she exclaims, kissing her daughter’s cheeks. ‘I’m so proud of you.’

‘I did it!’ Caroline crows with delight.

Ben swims over to them with careful, measured strokes, leaning forward to kiss her on the mouth. ‘I can’t believe how fast she’s growing up.’

 _And I can’t believe how much of her life he’s missed_ , she thinks involuntarily.

 

 _052\. Fire_  
The heat rises to her skin as he touches her, resting one hand at the small of her back, slipping it beneath her silk blouse.

‘Mike,’ she breathes. He pulls her closer.

‘It’s been so long, too long, Lizzie,’ he murmurs, bending his head to kiss her neck. ‘You know you missed this.’

‘God, yes…!’ the exclamation is torn involuntarily from her throat as he begins to unzip her skirt. ‘Mike, we can’t…’

‘Of course we can, Lizzie, I need you…’ He stops her protestations with a kiss. ‘God, you feel so good, I’ve _missed_ you, needed you _so much_ …’

 

 _053\. Earth_  
He visits Max’s grave once a year in April, kneeling on the ground next to his gravestone. He doesn’t bring flowers or anything, just sits and talks.

‘Liz had a baby,’ he sighs. ‘My baby--a girl named Caroline. She didn’t tell Ben. She didn’t tell anyone, and she won’t. Jesus, Max, I don’t know what to do. My child… I want to be a part of her life. I want Liz to leave Ben. I know I fucked it up, it’s my fault, but I needed something to take my mind off her rape and it was a huge mistake…’

 

 _054\. Air_  
She sleeps on the plane, head resting on his shoulder as he flips idly through a copy of short stories by Dashiell Hammett. It’s odd, being up in the air with her, weightless after the devastation of her ordeal. She needs a break; she needs to get away. He knows she loves Bermuda so he buys tickets, books a hotel. Maybe the sun and sand and rum will help. He doesn’t know what else he can do if this doesn’t help her. He’s lost her and she’s lost herself… They need to find her again. He should have protected her.

 

 _055\. Spirit_  
Even after the bruises fade he can tell she’s still hurting. She flinches at every unexpected touch, loses weight, picks at her food. She can’t sleep; she wakes at night tense with dread. He doesn’t know what he can do.

She tries to go on, go back to normal. She goes out with him to sports bars he likes, relaxing, for some odd reason, in the noise, nestled against him. He knows she’s talking to a shrink but it’s not helping, so he asks an old friend from school, now a priest, to talk to her, to try to help.


	12. Breakfast; Lunch; Dinner; Food; Drink

_056\. Breakfast_  
He used to make these horribly delicious pancakes with bacon in the center for breakfasts on Sundays, drowning them in maple syrup and melted butter. They would eat them in bed and then he’d kiss her and they’d make love… 

She craves them all the time now during her pregnancy. The first time she makes them, her husband takes one look at her plate and laughs.

‘Dear God, Liz, are you trying to give our baby high cholesterol?’

She shrugs, licking maple syrup off her fork. ‘They’re delicious. Do you want a bite?’

‘I’ll pass, thank you all the same.’

 

 _057\. Lunch_  
‘Wanna sneak out and grab lunch?’ he asks as they leave the interrogation room. ‘Phil knows this great Italian place around the corner.’

‘Yes, all right,’ she agrees, looking up at him. ‘But I can’t be out for long--I have an appointment at 1:30.’

‘We’ll make it quick, then.’

She precedes him out of the precinct, walking slightly ahead of him to dissuade any hints of gossip.

As soon as they leave the precinct, he rests his hand on the small of her back.

‘I wish you had more time so we could sneak off…’

She grins. ‘Me too. Tonight?’

 

 _058\. Dinner_  
She doesn’t know why he invited her to dinner, nor does she know why she accepted. They parted on bad terms but he keeps drawing her back like a moth to a flame. Jim doesn’t move her the way he does. With a single look from him her pulse does its best to win the Kentucky Derby.

She dresses carefully for the evening, drawing up black silk stockings, slipping into a forest green silk dress, arranging her hair in auburn waves around her face.

The buzzer rings and she picks up the phone. ‘Yes, you can send him up. Thanks.’

 

 _059\. Food_  
‘What was your favorite childhood food?’ she asks. ‘Do you have a particular comfort food you like?’

‘Food?’ he scoffs. ‘I was lucky if my mother was sober enough to make oatmeal for breakfast. Rum punch was more her line.’

She looks at him with raised eyebrows.

He sighs, continues pacing around the office. ‘Hot dogs, I guess, from Yankee Stadium. My dad used to take me to games, just the two of us. He used to take beers on the subway so he wouldn’t have to buy them, but we’d have at least six hot dogs during the game.’

 

 _060\. Drink_  
He swirls the whiskey around in his glass, ice clinking satisfactorily against her crystal tumbler. He likes waiting for her here, sprawled comfortably on her sofa, waiting for her. Soon after she gave him a key to her apartment, he noticed that several bottles of his favorite whiskies appeared in her liquor cabinet. He kissed her when he noticed--it was a gesture so like her, one to make him comfortable in the rarefied air of her Park Avenue world.

He hears her key in the lock, half-stands to greet her.

‘Could you please pour me a drink?’ she asks, smiling.


	13. Winter; Spring; Summer; Fall; Passing

_061\. Winter_  
She flings open her windows, sticking her head out to look at the snow falling on Park Avenue.

‘Mike, you have to see this!’ she calls. ‘It’s beautiful.’

He comes up behind her, resting his chin on her shoulder. ‘Looks like we’re gonna be snowed in for a while,’ he says, and she can hear the grin in his voice. ‘I wonder what we’re gonna do all day…’

She turns to look at him. ‘Drink hot cocoa and watch the snow fall?’

He laughs. ‘Well yeah, maybe after.’

He pulls her away from the window, bringing her to the bedroom.

 

 _062\. Spring_  
‘My parents are going out of town for Easter,’ she says. ‘I was wondering if you’d like to come up with me to Rowayton for the weekend. It would be… relaxing.’

He agrees after some persuasion, and their drive up the Merritt Parkway is remarkably refreshing as they leave behind grey concrete for the hints of early spring.

‘God, it’s like a whole new world,’ he marvels. ‘Never thought we’d see the end of this winter.’

‘Especially in the city. I feel like we don’t really get a spring--I’m so glad we could escape for the weekend.’

‘Me too, honey.’

 

 _063\. Summer_  
‘Jesus, I can’t believe this traffic,’ he grumbles, rolling down the windows. ‘How is this legal?’

She flops back against the seat, fanning her face with her hand. ‘We’re close--it’ll be worth it, I promise. There will be champagne and ice cream and the beach…’

He looks over at her. ‘You better not be spinning me some siren song. Remember, it’s my birthday tomorrow.’

She laughs. ‘I know, and I promise it’s better than you can imagine. And I’ll make it up to you…’

‘You better,’ he grins.

‘Turn off here,’ she says, pointing at the exit. ‘We’re almost there.’

 

 _064\. Fall_  
He tucks her hand into his pocket as they stroll through the park, kicking up clouds of fallen leaves.

‘Are you all right? Really all right, I mean?’

She looks away and shrugs. ‘I didn’t appreciate the questioning, the disbelief.’

‘You work for us. You know that’s how it goes. You know we have to make sure your statement is accurate.’

‘But it’s _me_ , Mike. You know me. You shouldn’t have done that. It felt like you didn’t believe me...’

‘I’m sorry,’ he says, stopping and looking down at her. ‘You’re right. Look, we’re gonna get the guy, I promise.’

 

 _065\. Passing_  
He can’t stop staring at her and she can’t stop looking either, though every time he catches her gaze she looks away, flushing miserably. She’s hunched over her coffee, clutching it desperately. It’s been endless, the waiting, and when he sees the doctor approach them he’s relieved because no matter what he says this endless, fucked-up night will be finished at last.

But he isn’t expecting the words that come out of the surgeon’s mouth, nor the emptiness he feels at the loss of his only remaining confidante.

He catches her eyes again and this time she doesn’t look away.


	14. Rain; Snow; Lightning; Thunder; Storm

_066\. Rain_  
She presses her face to the window, watching the rain splash on the porch. She sees the reflections of Miranda and her mother in the glass, listens to the low, soothing hum of their chatter. It’s November--it’s not supposed to be raining. She rests a hand on her belly and closes her eyes, feeling her baby kick.

‘Is Ben going back to the city tomorrow?’ Isobel asks.

She turns to face them, shifting in her seat awkwardly. ‘Yes, but he’ll be back tomorrow night--I’ll pick him up at the train station.’

‘It’s so nice to have the family for Thanksgiving.’

 

 _067\. Snow_  
The night before the big blizzard she bundles her daughter into the car and drives out to the Hamptons, spontaneously deciding to borrow Peter and Miranda’s cottage in Southampton. She stocks up the car with food and wine and sends Ben an email, telling him where they’ll be for the next week. Caroline has winter break and besides, she wants a way to escape the claustrophobia of the city when it snows. This is the perfect way to do so. Caroline is asleep by the time they arrive at the house and the first flakes drift down from the sky.

 

 _068\. Lightning_  
‘We might as well wait out the storm. It’s not like we’ll ever get a cab,’ Claire remarks, staring out the window.

She sighs, leaning back against the arm of the sofa in Jack’s office. ‘Okay. Do you want to go over my testimony for the Greer case again?’

Claire turns to her and raises an eyebrow. ‘I can think of something more fun,’ she says with a grin, walking over to Jack’s desk. She opens the bottom drawer, extracts a bottle of scotch and two glasses, and grins.

‘Oh, good idea,’ she replies, smiling. ‘Much better than witness prep.’

 

 _069\. Thunder_  
The loud boom of thunder wakes her up from a deep sleep, and the rain that follows is punctuated by her daughter’s bare feet as she runs down the hallway to their room.

‘Mommy, I’m scared!’ she cries, opening the door and throwing herself towards her. She leans over and lifts her five-year-old up into her arms.

‘Oh, honey, it’s just a little thunderstorm--it’s okay,’ she says, soothingly, resting against the pillows. ‘It’s all right, darling.’

She wraps her arms tightly around her, her heart beating rapidly against her. She holds her close, soothing her, until she falls asleep again.

 

 _070\. Storm_  
On the last day of their honeymoon the mistral blows in, chilling her to the bone after the warmth of the winter sun.

‘As wonderful as it’s been to explore Provence with you, my love, I’m grateful we can spend our last day together, here,’ her new husband murmurs, pulling the blankets over them. He dips his head to kiss her deeply. When she pulls back, she forces a smile as the wind rattles through the shutters of their little cottage and moves closer to his warmth, seeking heat and comfort and a sense that she’s done the right thing.


	15. Broken; Fixed; Light; Dark; Shade

_071\. Broken & 072\. Fixed_  
They spent most of their time in her living room nowadays, sitting in the armchairs that flank her fireplace. She curls up tightly in hers, clutching a cup of coffee, watching him as he swirls whiskey in a crystal tumbler.

‘I’ll kill him for you.’

She looks up at him, startled by his words, his steady gaze, his matter-of-fact tone.

‘I could do it, Liz. You know I could. It would be easy to arrange and I’d never be found out. It could be over for you at last.’

‘Mike,’ she says softly.

‘I can’t bear to see you like this, Lizzie. It’s breaking my heart. I need to fix this for you.’

‘You can’t, Mike. It can’t be fixed. Even if… it still happened. I’ll live with it for the rest of my life.’

He holds her gaze until she has to look away, cheeks flushed miserably.

‘I don’t know what to do to help you,’ he admits quietly. ‘I know you’ll live with it for the rest of your life; I’ll live with my failure, too. We should’ve got him…’

She looks back up at him, seeing his unshed tears.

‘I need you, Mike. I just need you.’

 

 _073\. Light_  
After their first, abortive attempt at sailing, they try again in June, taking the _Selkie_ out for a weekend. It’s gorgeous, glorious weather, and he enjoys it this time--they drink champagne, cook bacon and eggs in the tiny galley, dive off the side of the boat, sleep under the stars. As the sun rises she watches as the light gilds everything. She slips out from his embrace and stands up, looking at him for a perfect, endless moment before she turns and dives off the side of the boat, slipping into the cool, silky water, touched with the purest gold. 

 

 _074\. Dark_  
After… after… she sits huddled up in her bed, wrapped in layers of wool, sweaters from Bonwit Teller and Trimingham’s and Dean’s of Scotland, shivering, staring blankly as the television he’s brought to her room plays endless black-and-white films. The screen glows sickly in the dark and she flinches every time he shifts next to her, nearly jumping out of her skin if he accidentally brushes against her. If she watches Katharine Hepburn and Cary Grant trade barbs she doesn’t have to think about what happened. If she watches Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall she can remember what love is… 

 

 _075\. Shade_  
They try later, much later. She wants him again, can kiss him without thinking of… one night, in bed, she turns to him.

‘I want you,’ she whispers tentatively, and he looks at her, surprised.

‘You sure?’ he asks, voice gentle.

She nods. He kisses her softly, rolling her onto her back. As he settles himself between her legs she begins to panic, his weight heavy, suffocating her. She struggles and he moves away immediately as terrified sobs are torn from her throat.

‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry…’ he pleads, and she clutches him tightly.

‘Mike, why isn’t this over yet?’


	16. Who?; What?; Where?; When?; Why?

_076\. Who?_  
‘Who’s that?’ he asks Max Greevey, leaning back in his chair as he watches the well-dressed, slender woman walk briskly into the squad room.

Max glances briefly at her. ‘New department shrink,’ he replies, chewing on an unlit cigar.

‘What happened to O’Rourke?’ he questions.

Max shrugs. ‘Who cares? He was an asshole. Hopefully Olivet’ll be better.’

Well, she certainly looks a lot better than the last one, he thinks, enjoying the view. He meets her eyes and gives her a slow grin. She flushes, annoyed, and glares at him before Donnie comes out and brings her into his office.

 

 _077\. What?_  
The phone rings as he sorts through the photos of Merritt’s second wife’s suicide once again. Picking it up, he cradles the receiver against his shoulder.

‘Logan.’

‘Mike, it’s me--’ Liz says, her voice wavering. She takes a deep breath. ‘I’ve been assaulted. I’m at the hospital. Lenox Hill. Please come. Please come now.’

‘Liz, what happened--Liz!’ he yells into the mouthpiece as the dial tone rings in his ear. He looks up at Phil, leaning forward.

‘I’ve gotta go--Liz is in the hospital, she said she was assaulted.’

Phil stands up abruptly, grabbing his blazer. ‘Let’s go. I’ll drive.’

 

 _078\. Where?_  
‘Where’ve you been lately, Mike?’ his sister Katy asks when he finally calls her back. ‘I’ve left you messages all week. I thought you were going to come spend Christmas with us.’

He shrugs. ‘Y’know, around.’

‘No, I don’t know,’ she says exasperatedly, though he can hear the amusement in her voice. ‘I’ve only seen you go to ground like this over two things--a case or a girl. So which is it?’

He grins. ‘Guess.’

She laughs. ‘So, am I going to meet this one or has she already vanished?’

He thinks for a minute. ‘You’re gonna meet this one.’

 

 _079\. When?_  
He stands at the counter leaning down to peer at the contents inside. Rings--rows and rows of them, diamonds, emeralds, rubies… 

‘Can I help you?’ a man says, walking up to him.

‘Um, yeah. I’m looking for a ring for my girlfriend. Can I look at this one?’ he asks, pointing at a square-cut diamond.

The man brings up the tray and he quickly discards that option, finally settling for a smaller diamond than he wanted, but it’s the best one he can afford.

‘There you are, sir,’ he says, sliding the black velvet box across the counter to him.

 

 _080\. Why?_  
‘She was _raped_?’ he asks, appalled, unable to focus on his words, hearing only ‘...he left fingermarks on her thighs.’ He takes a deep breath and looks away, trying not to scream.

‘When forensics runs the samples, we’ll know all we need to know about the second party,’ Phil says calmly.

‘I already got a name. Dr. Alex Merritt.’

He looks at Phil, horrified, terrified. Jesus Christ, Lizzie, _why_?

He rests a hand against the wall and Phil pats him lightly on the chest, the only sympathy he could accept without losing his mind. Jesus. What the fuck happened here?


	17. How?; If; And; He; She

_081\. How?_  
He watches her now, always. She’s hurting badly, hugging her knees to chest, staring blankly, unseeingly. He can’t even touch her; she flinches away from him when he comes near her, and if he accidentally brushes against her she nearly screams in terror, eyes wide, breath quick. _Jesus_. He’s never seen anyone like this, let alone his self-possessed Lizzie. He doesn’t recognize her any more. How is he supposed to help her?

He brings the television from her study into her bedroom so that she can watch the old movies she loves when she wakes up screaming at three a.m.

 

 _082\. If_  
He is going to ask her soon. If she says yes, they’ll tell people at last--that they are together, that he loves her. He’s never been more sure of any decision in his life, and he’s surprised he has no doubts at all. The three years he’s spent with her, even after… well, they’ve been the happiest of his life. He just wants to be with her for the rest of their lives, wants to wake up to her, maybe--maybe even have children. She’d be an excellent mother… he can just picture her holding their child in her arms, smiling.

 

 _083\. And_  
They’ve never been Mike and Liz to anyone except the people in her life. They are discreet; it is unspoken but they both agreed they wouldn’t mention their relationship at work. They were almost found out after her rape, when he reacted so openly… he told Don and Phil about them after, and she knew Ben found out--she watched him flinch when she was on the stand. And now the trial is over, the verdict overturned, and she sits back, frozen, broken. He comes to get her when it’s over, taking her in his arms, not caring who sees them.

 

 _084\. He_  
After three months she starts to forget the way he is. She loses the exact shade of his changeable hazel eyes, the precise way a stray comma of hair flops onto his forehead. She forgets the deep timbre of his voice, its husky undertone when he wants her. She can’t quite remember how it feels to run her hands over his chest, to feel the firm, strong muscles beneath his skin. Every day she loses something else of him, something she thought she would have forever, something she thought she could never forget.

She can’t even cry over her loss.

 

 _085\. She_  
He sits at a bar around the corner from the courthouse, swigging back a beer after testifying in a case. He needs a break, needs some peace, which is broken when the second chair, a tall, attractive blonde, slides onto the stool next to him.

‘You did a good job today,’ she says, smiling at him.

He looks over at her. He doesn’t want to talk, exhausted from work and taking care of Liz after… she’s in pain, still suffering from nightmares… 

‘Thanks, Counselor,’ he says gruffly, taking another sip of beer.

She orders one for herself. ‘Call me Sherri.’


	18. Choices; Life; School; Work; Home

_086\. Choices_  
She went to Ben to ask him to prosecute, to assure him that she would press charges, but he told her he couldn’t. She went home and locked the door to Mike, didn’t answer the phone, and thought long and hard. He did this to her, did this to Diane--she was telling the truth--and he wasn’t going to stop. What other choice did she have?

The next day she buys a portable tape recorder and makes an appointment for the biopsy he threatened her with, and just before he entered the room she presses record.

Here goes everything, she thinks.

 

 _087\. Life_  
‘Do you ever think about what our children will look like?’ she murmurs as they curl up in bed at last, resting her head against his shoulder.

She feels him stiffen and she lifts up her head to look at him.

‘But I don’t want any more children, Elizabeth,’ he says gently, raising a hand to stroke her hair. ‘I have Julie and I’m fifty-five; if we had a baby I’d be in my seventies by the time they were in college.’

‘Oh,’ she replies, moving away.

‘Elizabeth,’ he reaches out for her. ‘I’m sorry.’

She closes her eyes tight.

 

 _088\. School_  
She walks her daughter to Chapin on her first day of school, her small hand held tightly in hers, looking perfectly sweet in her uniform. She skips by her side eagerly, swinging her lunchbox from her hand. She is so excited to start, thrilled that some of her friends from her playgroup will be there as well. She throws her arms around her neck when they reach the school, planting a brief kiss on her cheek before she hurries off with her playmates, shrieking with excitement. She watches as she goes, running off into her new life all by herself.

 

 _089\. Work_  
‘I was speaking to an old friend at Barnard the other day,’ Miranda says, picking up her cup of tea. ‘She seemed to think that, if you were interested, there’d be a job for you.’

‘Doing what?’ she asks curiously.

‘Teaching a few graduate seminars. I know you’ve been unhappy lately at work… why don’t you try something new?’

It’s true--she is unhappy, has been for some time now. And now that she’s engaged to Ben things have changed. He cherishes her, takes care of her--a completely different experience. They’re to be married in a month.

‘I’ll think about it.’

 

 _090\. Home_  
After he proposes it makes sense for him to move in with her. After he returned from Paris, he lived at the University Club, though he spent much of his time at her apartment. It happened so quickly… they were at Claire’s funeral and then she was in bed with him, trying to forget Mike. She was so lonely without him, without the life she was meant to have with him… After their week in Paris, spending the days together, talking about their lives, she knew she would marry him when he asked, even though it will change her life.


	19. Birthday; Christmas; Thanksgiving; Independence; New Year

_091\. Birthday_  
She didn’t have much luck with her birthdays--his were always more successful--that first night, the beach, Ireland one blissful year… For her first birthday he had no idea until after; he was hurt that she didn’t tell him, frustrated he could not reciprocate. The next year she was raped two days after, right before they were to go away for the weekend, and then after that her history was dragged in front of the court and then, at last, they finally celebrated. And then… then it was over, and then there was Ben, but it wasn’t the same at all.

 

 _092\. Christmas_  
They drive up to her parents’ house in silence for their second Christmas together. The back of her car is loaded with presents for the family and she sits curled up tightly in the passenger seat, wrapped in her coat. She presses her forehead against the glass, watching the familiar scenery flash by.

‘We don’t have to go,’ he says, desperate to make her talk. ‘Why don’t we just keep driving, go to New Hampshire or Vermont or something?’

She looks at him. She terrifies him--she looks so lost. ‘It’ll be fine. I’ll be fine.’

‘Please, Lizzie--’

She turns away.

 

 _093\. Thanksgiving_  
She sneaks away after Thanksgiving dinner to spend the evening with Jim, wrapping her arms around him, letting him bring her up the back stairs to his bedroom. She feels like a teenager again, slipping beneath his sheets, his hand over her mouth to stifle her delighted cries as she comes.

He collapses next to her, laughing, embracing her. 

‘It feels like we’re teenagers again, doesn’t it?’

‘I was thinking the exact same thing,’ she agrees, kissing him, moving closer to his warmth.

‘God, Liz, you’re fantastic.’

She giggles and kisses him again, firmly pushing Mike out of her mind.

 

 _094\. Independence_  
He wraps an arm around her as she moves closer to him, the two of them sprawled on the lawn. Her parents sit on the porch with Peter and Miranda, drinking champagne. It’s a perfect summer’s night.

‘The fireworks should be starting soon,’ she says. ‘They start from there.’ She points across the water. ‘Do you want a beer?’

‘Yeah, that would be great,’ he says, and she stands up. He grabs her hand. ‘I can get it.’

She smiles. ‘I’ll be right back.’

He watches her leggy, confident stride as she walks towards the house. He is so lucky.

 

 _095\. New Year_  
She looks over and sees him opens a bottle of champagne. What the hell do they have to celebrate? These past three months have been a nightmare and she doesn’t know why he persists in trying to pretend everything is normal. It takes so much energy to get through her day, every day, and having to pretend with him right now isn’t helping.

But he has been patient and loyal, by her side every step of the way after his outburst at the hospital. He showed up as she was discharged, shamefaced and worried, took her home, and didn’t leave.


	20. Writer's Choice

_096\. Writer’s Choice  
Mr. and Mrs. Nicholas Olivet  
request the honour of your presence  
at the marriage of their daughter  
Elizabeth Griswold Olivet  
to  
Mr. Benjamin Stone, Esq.  
Saturday, the twenty-sixth of April  
1997_

She holds the engraved invitation in her hand, running a gentle finger over the text.

‘What do you think, darling? Is the font all right?’ Isobel asks, perusing china patterns as she reviews the invitations.

‘Yes, it’s fine,’ she replies, tucking it back into its envelope.

‘Good. We’ll send them out this week, then, as soon as you and Ben provide us with your final guest lists,’ she comments.

 

 _097\. Writer’s Choice_  
She regards her curiously over her cup of coffee, taking in the elegant clothes, expensive jewelry, graceful mannerisms. She looks out of place in her cramped kitchen and so different from the women Mike’s introduced her to before. He sits next to her, resting a hand on her thigh, shooting tender glances at her. He’s infatuated with this woman, in love with her--the sort of girl he’d always scorned, mocked, ignored; wracked with jealousy over their opportunities.

She smiles graciously at her, telling her how delicious the coffee is. She watches as Liz turns and holds Mike’s hand in hers.

 

 _098\. Writer’s Choice_  
‘Cute kid,’ Frankie says, craning her neck and peering at the picture of Caroline he’s stuck on his desk. ‘Kind of looks like you.’

He flinches violently, looking up at her. ‘My niece Caroline,’ he lies.

‘Ah,’ she says. ‘Yeah, even as tight-lipped as you are I think I would’ve known somethin’ about a wife or girlfriend. Well, congrats.’

He drops his feet to the floor, oddly shaken. ‘Thanks. I’m gonna get a coffee, want anything?’

‘No, I’m good. Thanks.’

‘Yeah,’ he says, stuffing his hands in his pockets. He walks to the coffee machine, thinking of his beautiful daughter.

 

 _099\. Writer’s Choice_  
It takes her a long time to write the most difficult letter of her life. What can she possibly say? The night Caroline was born… she was exhausted and thought she was hallucinating. But she wasn’t--he was there. She flushes as she remembers what she told him… it was wrong, even though it is true.

There are steps that need to be taken. What happens if something happens to her? Her parents would take her, of course, but Mike… as her father, he should have some rights. She makes up her mind, picks up the phone, and calls Liz Rodgers.

 

 _100\. Writer’s Choice_  
When she tells him that they need to curtail his time with Caroline he gives one last shot at winning her back.

‘She’s starting to ask questions, Mike, and I can’t have her ask them. How could I explain them to Ben why she talks about you? It’s not fair to Caroline either--I don’t want her to grow up confused about her father…’

‘Then don’t let her. What’s keeping you with him? C’mon, Lizzie, you can’t tell me that these days together--’ he stops, looks at their daughter, then says, ‘we’re a family.’

She bites her lip and looks away.


End file.
